TwoCent Rants
by A Heart For My Nobody
Summary: Two-Cent Rants feature humorous ficlettes and rants on all the overdones and clichés of Kingdom Hearts fan fiction. Rants will be hosted by Kingdom Hearts Characters. Some rants feature boylove, and possibly girl love. REQUESTS are being taken!
1. Smoker Axel

**Hi to all my viewers out there, from A Heart For My Nobody! Thanks for all my reviews on this and my other stories, and thanks so much for reading! ^__-**

**What is a Two-Cent Rant?**

A Two-Cent Rant is little more than what it sounds like. Ranting about something simply to give your two-cents (opinion or observation) about it, and these ones are mine! ^_^

I say opinion _or_ observation because many of the things I address here, I am also guilty of writing. That being said, I don't actually have a problem with some of the things I rant about. They're just things I've noticed to be clichéd, overdone, or occasionally stupid in Kingdom Hearts fan fiction. My Two-Cent Rants start with a short written drabble or ficlette about what I'm going to rant on, and then a rant hosted by one of the Kingdom Hearts characters. I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:**

I write each of these little stories myself. I apologize if you end up seeing any content that's similar to other things out there. I assure you it's purely coincidental. It's just that I'm often dealing with things that are overdone, so I don't doubt it might be somewhere out there. I promise I didn't steal it! Oh, and the usual. I obviously don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters, thus this is fan fiction.

**Author's Note:**

This is the first of many, many rants to come. I hope you all enjoy it! I AM willing to take requests, although I have already thought of quite a few to write, so I apologize if I beat you to it!

**Two-Cent Rant # 1: Smoker Axel**

Axel always releases a smoke signal that makes it easy for Roxas to find him. Roxas approaches the red haired man as he pushes off the wall, cigarette in moth, and the two of them begin to walk side by side down the street towards Axel's place. This has become routine, so Roxas no longer even has to squint through the cig smoke to find his way there.

"You gonna smoke that into the filter?" Roxas asks with just a hint of sarcasm.

"Don't want to waste it." Axel mumbles a little laugh past the butt in his mouth.

"That's unhealthy y'know..." Roxas complains, and a downward glance at Roxas' actually caring face convinces Axel to listen to the boy. After all, Roxas doesn't actually care for just anybody.

"Guess you're right." He shrugs off the smoke from his shoulders and flicks the remains of the cigarette off behind him. He flips open his pack and lights a fresh one as he glances back at his boyfriend and continues, "How was school? Oh, after you..." He says, holding the apartment complex door ajar like a gentleman. Roxas has learned by now that it's pointless to argue with this 'ladies first' behavior and steps in.

"It's fine." That's Roxas' usual answer, so Axel didn't expect any more.

"Least it's fine, unlike last week..." Axel takes a deep drag of his cigarette as he throws open his apartment room eight door.

"Yeah, well... I'm keeping Seifer in check." The blonde inhales the smoky residue from the many killed cigarettes filling the numerous ashtrays around the room. As per routine, the first destination is the bed, and so Roxas removes his shirt as he approaches it. Axel does the same, nearly scorching the thing from the still lit bud clipped between his lips. Noticing Roxas' stare, Axel throws his shirt off and holds the cigarette out to Roxas.

"Wanna drag?" He asks as the boy is lowering his jeans from his hips. Roxas takes the cigarette without thinking, stopping his progress, and stares at it.

"No thanks..." The boy looks up at the redhead who has already lit another one, "I get about ten packs a day just kissing you."

"Well then stop hogging it." Axel laughs, taking the thing back and sticking it in his mouth with the second one.

"It feels like forever since I've seen you..." Roxas sighs, now only in his unders. Axel takes a seat beside him on the bed to begin the next part of their routine.

"Mind if I smoke?"

**Axel:**

Yeah... this shows up quite often in fictions about me. I don't really get it. Do I look like a smoker or something? Is it because I control fire, thus being a human lighter? I don't have a heart so I might as well waste my lungs too?

I don't know... It seems to happen even more often in alternate universe fics, especially High School AUs, where I'm usually the resident college kid, a pyro, or a teacher.

Come on kids, I can't smoke. I'm from Kingdom Hearts. The game that took away poor old Cid Highwind's cigarette and gave him a piece of grass, for crying out loud! *Sigh* God... I need a light...


	2. Mary Sues

**Hi to all my viewers out there, from A Heart For My Nobody! Thanks for all my reviews on this and my other stories, and thanks so much for reading! ^__-**

**What is a Two-Cent Rant?**

A Two-Cent Rant is little more than what it sounds like. Ranting about something simply to give your two-cents (opinion or observation) about it, and these ones are mine! ^_^

I say opinion _or_ observation because many of the things I address here, I am also guilty of writing. That being said, I don't actually have a problem with some of the things I rant about. They're just things I've noticed to be clichéd, overdone, or occasionally stupid in Kingdom Hearts fan fiction. My Two-Cent Rants start with a short written drabble or ficlette about what I'm going to rant on, and then a rant hosted by one of the Kingdom Hearts characters. I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:**

I write each of these little stories myself. I apologize if you end up seeing any content that's similar to other things out there. I assure you it's purely coincidental. It's just that I'm often dealing with things that are overdone, so I don't doubt it might be somewhere out there. I promise I didn't steal it! Oh, and the usual. I obviously don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters, thus this is fan fiction.

**Author's Note:**

Ah... The Mary Sues. How could one have a rant about fan fiction clichés without dedicating a portion to these insufferable embodiments of candy-coded perfection. The name I use in this story, Xenara, is not taken from anywhere. As in the disclaimer above, I apologize if you have seen it used other places, but there are only so many female names you can come up with that have an X in them. I'm still taking requests, and as this is the first of my requested rants, I'll begin posting the names of the people who requested it right above the story. Thanks for reading, reviewing, and requesting! ~A Heart For My Nobody

**Rant Requested By:** japaneserockergirl

**Two-Cent Rant # 2: Mary Sues**

Xenara sighed and flopped down on Demyx's couch. Demyx had offered her his room as sanctuary the night she found out she was Axel's daughter... well, his somebody's daughter anyway. It was obvious that this was why her fire powers were stronger than her other ones, and why her hair had a fire red mixed with the ivory color, but was this really what got her into the organization as number XIV? She didn't know whether it would be better if this was the case, or if it was because she had a Keyblade. Was she just a replacement for number XIII, Roxas, that her father was always talking about? She had heard that Roxas had been a Keyblade master like herself, but didn't Keyblades choose people with hearts? She also heard that Roxas had been defeated by Riku. The same man who she fought the other night. The same man who she defeated at the top of Memories Skyscraper. The same man who she saved from falling to his doom.

She doesn't know why she saved Riku, nor why she feels a strange feeling in her chest while she's around him. It's not really a pain nor a pleasurable feeling, but more like a beating... more like a pulse.

"But that's impossible!" Xenara shoved her hands onto her cheeks, covering the silver teardrops tattooed on them, "Nobodies don't have hearts!"

Demyx's pet Heartless rubbed against her legs as if to say 'You do to have hearts!' She smiled because this Heartless had never shown affection to anyone other than Demyx before.

"Why did I have to go and save Riku?" She sunk into the chair, "And why did he have to kiss me? Why does Sora have to be so friendly, and why do I have to be the Superior's favorite? Can't my enemies just act like enemies? Why does my life have to be so hard!?" Xenara broke into tears that electrified as they trailed down her face. That always seemed to happen when she got emotional. Why, out of all the Nobodies, did she have to be the one who got emotional?

"Xenara." A silver haired figure called from the window.

"Riku!?" She jumped up and the pet Heartless hissed at him, "It's okay, he won't hurt you." She assured it.

"Xenara," Riku repeated, "I need your help. I didn't realize this until I fought you the other night, but your Keyblade is special. It chose you even though you don't have a heart. It has a special bond with you, and I think you're the only one who can release the Hearts from Kingdom Hearts." Xenara felt hurt when Riku said she didn't have a heart, even if it was true.

"But I work for the Organization!" She said, trying to hide her tears, "I'm supposed to be fighting you!"

"You don't really think that." Riku stares at her with his entrancing blue eyes, "I could see it the other night. You're a better person than them. Your eyes can't lie about that."

"But... my father is in the Organization." She frowned, knowing he was right.

"It will be hard..." He says, slowly embracing her, "But you have to do what your heart says is right."

"My heart?" She inhales and holds Riku tight, "I'm scared."

"I know..." Riku kisses her head, "We'll go together."

**Zexion:**

I must be mistaken when remembering the ending to Kingdom Hearts II. I had thought that during the end of the final battle, Xemnas injured Riku, and Sora took up his own and Riku's swords to beat Xemnas, finally teaming up with Riku to release a final blast of light to strike down the leader of the Organization. However, that seems to be impossible. As it must have happened, Xemnas must have injured Riku and shot down Sora's retaliation. Just before the final blow was struck against the heroes, Mary Sue must have frozen time like Naminé and positioned herself before the blow, sacrificing herself to save the heroes who now, with an enraged energy, rise to defeat Xemnas once and for all. After the fight, when mourning their collective love, Riku and Sora realize that *gasp* Mary Sue is not dead! And all is happy, etc. Honestly, I thought that King Mickey was bad enough. I wonder if "saved by Mary Sue" is a cheat code. That would make the Sephiroth fight a good deal easier.

Mary Sues may very well be the worst thing in a fan fiction. It's a whole lot easier to see one of your least favorite plot devices or clichés right in the description of a fic and still say "I'll give it a chance" then it is to go into a Mary Sue story and expect it to be good. The only truly internet popular Mary Sue fictions I've seen are the ones that are so bad that people love to make fun of them.

In Kingdom Hearts, Mary Sues are often portrayed as Organization member XIV (14). There are of course many variations, including Naminé rip offs, another childhood friend of Sora or Riku, or daughter of one of the many main characters. Mary Sues quite often end up being Keyblade Masters, and absolutely essential to the plot and every character within it. It's pretty convenient for the Sues that they end up having more power than any of their enemies, only ever being defeated for drama purposes, and even when they aren't, the enemies are too busy being infatuated, interested, or otherwise obsessed with them to do any real harm. One of the most annoying things about them is the fact that they'll take their perfect life and end up complaining about how hard it is for them.

For example:

"Why does everyone have to be in love with me?"

or

"Why is everyone relying on me?"

Well, we've been wondering the same things. Oh how hard it is to be loved. The life of a Sue is hell on a tall, golden, beautiful, well-pampered pedestal.


	3. Male Pregnancy

**Hi to all my viewers out there, from A Heart For My Nobody! Thanks for all my reviews on this and my other stories, and thanks so much for reading! ^__-**

**What is a Two-Cent Rant?**

A Two-Cent Rant is little more than what it sounds like. Ranting about something simply to give your two-cents (opinion or observation) about it, and these ones are mine! ^_^

I say opinion _or_ observation because many of the things I address here, I am also guilty of writing. That being said, I don't actually have a problem with some of the things I rant about. They're just things I've noticed to be clichéd, overdone, or occasionally stupid in Kingdom Hearts fan fiction. My Two-Cent Rants start with a short written drabble or ficlette about what I'm going to rant on, and then a rant hosted by one of the Kingdom Hearts characters. I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:**

I write each of these little stories myself. I apologize if you end up seeing any content that's similar to other things out there. I assure you it's purely coincidental. It's just that I'm often dealing with things that are overdone, so I don't doubt it might be somewhere out there. I promise I didn't steal it! Oh, and the usual. I obviously don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters, thus this is fan fiction.

**Author's Note:**

Male Pregnancy... in Kingdom Hearts... sticking to the KH universe, there aren't many ways to do this that aren't creepy. So why not make Sora the victim, eh? Hehehehehehe... At least I paired him with Riku, right? (Apologies to all you who disapprove Riku/Sora) ^_^;;

**Rant Requested By:** Insanecat6

**Two-Cent Rant # 3: Male Pregnancy**

"These are the longest months ever!" Sora scratches another mark down on his calendar. In truth, it has only been three months since Sora found out he's pregnant. He went to the island's doctor for stomach aches and because he was growing a belly. Originally, he thought his metabolism was clogged or something. It's hard to say whether Sora or the Doctor was more surprised at the time. Sora made the doctor stay quiet about it though, and he imagines that the Doc is having some pretty long days right now too.

He stuffs the calendar back between his mattresses and sits up, putting a hand on his stomach. He can't wait to feel it kick for the first time, thought it's kind of scary too.

"I wonder what Riku will think." The boy says, imagining the perfect spot for a crib in his room. He'll have to clean up before the time comes, "Should I not tell him? He'll notice my belly though..." He flops out of bed and paces his room. What he wants more than anything is to mark another day on the calendar. Maybe he should do it in thirds of days. No, that's just stupid. "Patience Sora, patience." He repeats to himself, "Ohhh... this would be so much easier if I could tell someone. Maybe my mom. She was a little bummed about me and Riku at first since she wants a grandchild... Oh, but I should tell Riku first, but.,.. This sucks!" He drops back down on his bed and wipes a tear from his eye. Catching himself, he rubs his stomach again, "It doesn't suck. I didn't mean that. Man, this hormonal thing stinks, though." He turns his stare out the window, finding Riku sitting on the Paopu tree and gazing off into the ocean, "What should we name you?" Sora asks, still stroking his belly, "Riku? But what if you're a girl? We could give Riku another k, maybe... Rikku?"

Staring at the silver-haired boy on the tree, Sora smiles.

"Riku will understand." He thinks aloud, "I think I'll tell him tonight."

Funny thing is, for the next few months, Riku is acting more like the mother than Sora... morning sickness and everything.

**Vexen:**

Some people just can't make up their minds... You support a guy/guy pairing, and yet you want to see pregnancy and childbirth. So what do you do then? Make the oh so difficult venture and actually make a decision between the two of them? Of course not! This is fan fiction after all! Let's bend the very limits of reality and create something new! Welcome to the world of Male Pregnancy or MPreg.

First off, without going into the details of the mating process between two males, men aren't even remotely equipped in the proper way to harbor a fetus. There are numerous writers who try and justify this with things such as one of my potions or something of the sort. Some authors even come up with a pretty clever and almost believable excuse for such a thing, but with the number of people writing MPreg out there versus the percentage of people who come up with a good reason for it, you'll find yourself running into many stories that have either a very poor reason, or possibly even more commonly, no reason at all.

In addition to this, it's all too common to find that the pregnant character is hormonal in just the same way as a woman would be during this process. You must be rather shallow to make sense out of this. Either that, or these writers are just a few of the people who actually have the knowledge that all your favorite KH boys are actually poorly endowed women. In which case, delete all your shirtless fan service art, and for God's sake, give Sora some nice seashells for Atlantica!

Finally, within the realm of these stories, most of the time this will happen with the more common pairings involving Riku, Sora, or Roxas. Now you've got senselessness with a side of underage sex. Have some decency people! Oh my... is that...? Is that me pregnant in that fiction? With Marluxia!? Argh, My brain! My beautiful brain!

**(Apologies to any Marluxia/Vexen fans out there ^_^;;) ~A Heart for my Nobody**


End file.
